Craigslist Creepy

Due to an increasingly demanding work schedule as we push toward our looming wrap date (hello May 3rd…haven’t had a day off since Daylight Savings Time began) and exactly zero suitable prospects, my Cereal Dating came screeching to a halt in the past couple weeks, as evidenced by my lack of posts and mild whiplash. Probably best, however, since the neck brace makes for an awkward kiss goodnight. (Kidding, of course, as the whiplash is metaphorical – or, well, a lie – and we all know that I’m not kissing anyone goodnight these days.)

I do, however, have one tale to share, regarding a character I have dubbed, in a feat of grammatical trailblazing, Craigslist Creepy. (“Creepy” brazenly posing as a noun in this instance.)

Oh so many months ago, when I first posted my unique breakfast-loving desires on Craigslist, I was greeted with an onslaught of responses, including the following:

“I like you’re idea for a cereal break. I also have been trying to think of something interesting and slightly adventurous to do. This sounds like it! Anyways give me a write back and maybe we can meet up for a bowl and a conversation.”

His incorrect usage of a contraction aside (lots o’ English-oriented snark in this one), he seemed worthy of a follow-up email, so I sent him what was serving as my personality litmus test at the time: (what else but) Bernard Pivot’s questionnaire made famous by James Lipton at the end of every episode of Inside the Actors Studio. Some of the highlights:

“What is your favorite word? thingy”

Really? That’s kind of a dumb word.

“What turns you on? …are we talking physical things or non physical things?”

No no no. I’m the one asking the questions here. Or maybe James Lipton is. But either way, it’s not you. Your job is to answer. Which you didn't do. Not winning any fans that way, buddy.

“What is your favorite curse word? bastard”

Bastard is so not a curse word. Pussy.

"If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the Pearly Gates? Welcome home, son.”

Blech.

“Do you have any idea where I got these questions? careerbuilder.com…maybe lol.”

LOL. Double blech.

I think I pretty much wrote him off at this point. Craigslist Creepy, I soon learned, is not one to be written off, though.

February 2, 2008 – No response?

Yeah, sorry, been really busy, blah blah blah. Maybe next week?

February 3, 2008 – No problem. I don’t really have any special time frame or anything. I was just starting to think you may have forgotten about the whole thing. Keep in touch.

Unlikely, but okay. (But take the hint, dude.)

February 16, 2008 – You know, I still haven’t given up on the cereal thing. How have you been? its been busy up here, but I have sunday and monday off, any chance you’ll be free?

“I could actually do Sunday around 4pm if that works. Back to work on Monday, though. Let me know.”

February 18, 2008 – if i had read that earlier i would have been able to….curse my bad timing.

Why on earth did you ask if you weren’t going to check your email?

“Oh well. It’ll happen eventually. Have a good week.”

February 23, 2008 – I’ll try. Are you open for anything on monday or tuesday?

No, dumbass. I told you last time, I have a job.

March 14, 2008 – I haven’t heard from you for a while, how are you? Whats your schedule been like? How close are you to monterey park?

Right. Because I haven’t written to you in a while. And Monterey Park? Umm…not that close. Like, not cereal close.

April 12, 2008

Damn, he is persistent. It’s just freaking cereal, man. Get over it. But anyways…

April 12, 2008 – How are you doing? Other than busy that is ☺. A thought just popped into my head here, so I thought I’d see if you know, are there any hampton inn hotels that are close to you?

What? WTF? Why?

“I’m good, thanks. Enjoying the beautiful weather as of late. Sorry, I have no idea if there are any Hampton Inns near me, but I imagine their website could help you out.”

April 16, 2008 – Well, I don’t really need the website. I was asking because I work at a hampton so if I go somewhere I can stay at one dirt cheap. If I know what area to look in I can find them pretty quick, I just wanted to know if you knew of any over there. I’m just trying to think of ideas for interesting things to do with my days off.

Yeah, I was afraid of that. You’re seriously going to spend a night in a hotel to eat cereal with a stranger? I hope you understand that the “interesting thing” you’re going to do with your day off is not, well, me. Likelihood of me telling you what area I’m in? Not high. Likelihood of me responding to this email (or any subsequent ones that I’m sure you’re already drafting)? Take a guess.

And that would be the story of Craigslist Creepy. Though, despite my wishes otherwise, I somehow sense it may not be the end of the story. Oh how I long for the innocent days of Rice Chex with Almond Milk, who could be funny over email, crazy to your face, particular about his milk, and didn't require a reservation for any of it.