Hemp Milk

From the dating website:

“Hi there! I really like how you describe what you want in your profile and would be interested in chatting with you. If you would too, than just drop me a line.”

Hmm…how do I describe what I want in my profile? Let’s see…

I am seeking a: Man

Solid.

For: Hang out.

Brilliant.

“I appreciate wit and sarcasm.”

Mmm-hmm. Mmm-hmm.

“Would love to meet someone with a fun, slightly adventurous nature who shares some of my interests – or at least has an interesting perspective to share. Bonus points if you know the difference between ‘their’ and ‘there,’ or ‘your’ and ‘you’re.’”

Ahh, that must be what he’s referencing. Yep, all true. Alright, let’s see whatchya got. (And because it’s been a while and the people, they want themselves some Cereal Dating dirt, I’ll ignore the than/then misstep up there. But don’t think I didn’t notice.)

Profile says:

adventurous…love to travel…always looking to have fun…blah blah…easily excited, especially if there is someone else getting excited with me…huh?...watch what I eat…work out regularly…take care of myself phisically and emotionally…check a dictionary…would like to find a girl who is confident, takes care of her body and health and likes to send me qute text messages while I am at work. She needs to be emotionally stable and have an outgoing but friendly personality.

Indeed, I am the picture of outgoing, friendly, emotional stability. And I do love text messages. What kind of text messages is it that he likes, do you think? Cute? Quote? I’m gonna go with cute. And introduce him to Webster. But I’ll bite.

“So I checked out your profile and it’s a good start, but pretty general. Would like to know more about you. Interests? Hobbies? Do you like cereal?”

“Ok, here is some more: I am adventurous and can get excited about pretty much anything especially if there is someone else also getting excited with me. I hope that made sense.”

Makes sense but damn, fixate much?

“My friends say that I am funny and I agree. I like cereal but I have to say I am kind of picky about the kind that I will have and I will probably have it with almond-breeze or hempmilk. By the way, there is a new cereal breakfast place that opened up in Venice. That might be fun for us to meet there (just food for thought). As far as my interests and hobbies; I go to the gym regularly and I like going to restaurants as well as visiting new places randomly. I am well cultured and traveled. I know that you like a little sarcasm and I have that quality in my repertoire…”

Okay, I grew up on regular ol’ 2% milk, then eventually switched to skim and am now a soy convert. I’ve also been known to enjoy almond milk on occasion and even had a brief romp with rice, so I know my way around the dairy case. But hemp milk? Hemp milk is where I draw the line. I really think we’re pushing it with hemp milk. What is that, like, a euphemism for bong water or something?

Also, I find evidence of humor and sarcasm preferable to reports of them, but I guess I can judge for myself because he won me over with the suggestion of meeting at Flake, the second Los Angeles cereal bar to permeate my consciousness. He is one lucky little hippie. What do you suppose he eats in his hemp milk? Granola, right? What else would go in hemp milk besides granola? Tobacco?